I don't have much to update on, I haven't been grinding coding at all. As the novelty of a new location wears off so does my defense and I find myself in my head again. I have to find a therapist I like, I don't think this is sustainable and I can't escape it for very long. I did some shrooms and went to the museum today which was ok, the museum is really nice. I started to get stuck in negative thought loops and had intense urges to leave quite often but recognized that I was just seeking something familiar so I stayed and will call that a dub. I had an almond date smoothie on the way home and a really good slice of margherita pizza, I bought some 50c comics for art inspo.
Being in the city has really made me unhappy with my aesthetic. I need to actually put some effort in even if I’m just buying generic mix n match items. I want to buzz my hair. I was walking past a homeless man with holes in the collar of his shirt and my first thought was huh you never see that kind of designer on the street. There was another older homeless man and I honestly don’t recall the fit but all I could think for the next block was ‘I really just got mogged by a fucking homeless guy’.
I’m so lazy. So many half measures and unfinished ideas. I want to try again.
One day I was riding with my father and I asked why cars rotate on their rear axle instead of their front. It seems obvious now, but he had no answer. Instead lamenting that he had lost that sense of curiosity. As an adult you reach a point where you stop questioning things. Beaten down by others expertise and your own never ending ToDo you blindly accept how things are. This is a mark of adulthood I fear I’m nearing but hope to never wear. Do you remember how the world warped when you would immerse yourself in a new hobby or subject as a child? I got a longboard everything became hills to bomb, I climbed everything became a route, I sewed and never saw clothes the same. I’ve actively sought out this feeling and haven’t replicated it, is it still attainable? Has it passed? How do you pinpoint the beginning of the end?
Bonus shroom notes:
9-9-2024