You've really grown so much!! I think I was just a little burnt out

I'm ilvl 565 after like 3 hours of delves, got through lvl 8's like 45 ilvl below the recommended. Still got it.

My bosses sent me cookies this week. They shouted me out in the monthly standup. They said multiple times they were so proud of how much I’ve grown!! As if I wasn’t always this good. Doesn’t everyone known I’m smart?? Why didn’t they notice sooner? How does no one see the weight I’m pulling. and yet here I am, three yeaers in, grinding away like a good little wagie. Why do I stay? Why do I not seek those who value me. like those before me I will not be rewarded for my efforts. They do not love you.

I hate being a qualifier friend. Am I so bad that you must pre-emptively defend yourself for associating with me? There’s no chance I’ll make it through the interaction unscathed. You are my friend. Should I be grateful, that you endure me in spite of my flaws? Is this an expression of love?

Why am I so sad. So bitter? where did this come from. I was doing so well.

I setup an appointment to get my hair cut finally, hopefully they can deal with my hair type. The first time never goes well. turned on my hinge & signed up for tripbff, registered on TorontoDND and bookmarked several shows hosting magic limited. I have not acted on any of them really, but I want to again.

I spoke with mary for about an hour, I don’t know why but I don’t mind talking on the phone with her. It was good to hear from a friend after forcing isolation. I’m really missing my friends. I can’t believe you’re all my friends. That you care. I did some shrooms and I think I understood for a few days but they’ve worn off. Wondering if a real trip would help long term or if I’m going to get sucked into some microdosing trap and turn into some insane hippie.

I want to write better one day. To actually try to write not just dump train of thought. I think I’ll appreciate this one day though. And it’s a step towards being known. I am cringe and I yearn to be free. But for now, this is where I am, and this is what I produce.

I grossly over & mis use commas.

out of it, but hopeful?
9-17-2024